This column first appeared in Malta Today

Last weekend, a man repeatedly stabbed his two step daughters aged 12 and 15, with the younger child ending up in intensive care. A 14-year-old boy who was also present at the time was not injured but was later treated for shock. The man has been charged with attempted murder while one news report has quoted sources as saying that he was high on cocaine when carrying out the attack. The children’s mother was not at home at the time.

Also this week, the trial by jury started being heard of another man who is being charged with killing his former partner, Rita Ellul, a mother of 3, in 2022. An autopsy revealed she had been strangled to death – she had previously reported the man to the Police on several occasions for domestic violence.

These two cases brought to a mind a recurring thought whenever I read about violence within the home – that bearing witness to all this tragedy are the children, whether young or small, who grow up in a household which is fraught with anger, tension and constant fighting both verbal, psychological and physical. In the first case, even more tragically, it is the children who ended up being the targets of a man full of inexplicable rage.

My other thought is how easily some people (and unfortunately they tend to be women) bring a new person into their homes and their children’s lives without first making sure that they, and especially their offspring, will continue to be safe. I am not saying this as some kind of off-the-cuff remark, but as a reaction to story after story, the worst of which culminate in harrowing tales such as the ones cited above. Then there are the countless incidents which never make it to court but which are all around us, when the wrong choice in a partner is combined with the wrong, often too hasty, decision to take the relationship to the next step – which usually means moving in together.

When it comes to second relationships, I try, but fail, to understand how people can decide to merge households so quickly without getting to know this new person properly first. After all this would not be your first rodeo – you are likely to have been burnt and scorched by a previous marriage or long-term commitment – so logic tells me one would be more careful the second time round. However, time and again I read accounts of women and men who recklessly open their homes after 6 months or one year, without really thinking long and hard, not only about what this means for them, but above all, for their kids.

When there are children from a previous relationship it seems to me one has to be double, if not triple, on their guard. Everything from financial arrangements and one’s attitude to money to the distribution of household chores and responsibilities, to step-parenting decisions and boundaries should (one would think) be discussed before the boxes start arriving with the other person’s personal belongings. After all, it is not like one is just starting out, young, fresh and full of hopes, dreams and plans for the future …and even in these cases, young newlyweds need to be on the same page and should discuss all these important issues beforehand. If they are not discussed they will soon rise to the surface after the glow and thrill of a new romance has worn off.

Second relationships are just that; another chance at finding love with the right person and making it work. Human beings are irrepressible optimists and are convinced that “this time” it will work. I don’t want to sound too cynical because yes, of course, sometimes it does and compatible people do somehow find each other. But unless both parties are childless and you can start again with a perfectly clean slate, in most cases one or both are coming into the relationship with their own baggage. Children, ex spouses or partners, are part of the “deal” so to speak, but there is also the emotional baggage of any inner turbulence or psychological issues the new person may have carried over from their first marriage. That is already enough to throw the whole dynamic off balance, despite everyone’s good intentions. On top of all this, if you throw drug or alcohol abuse and a violent nature into the mix, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of drama and distress…or worse.

It is often said that when you leave a marriage or relationship and enter into another one, you might think you are starting afresh but it’s really the same old “you”, with the same expectations of what being with someone should look like. That also means that when there is a volatile person involved, the same old triggers will set them off. When I read about violent cases like the above, which not only leave women as victims but are leaving a trail of childhood trauma in their wake, I wonder how many could have been avoided if there had only been less of an urgency to jump into the relationship in the first place.

These days there is an incredibly amount of help available for people who want to make the right life decisions which will impact them and their families. A lot of advice can be found for free through a simple Google search. For example, according to family therapists these are the six signs that it is too soon to move into together:

1. You feel pressured to live together
2. You’re only doing it for financial or practical reasons
3. You’re moving in to ‘save the relationship’
4. You’re unable to resolve conflict and disagreements
5. You don’t trust each other 
6. There is no plan or intention about the move (i.e. is it just for fun or a step towards marriage?)

Sometimes it seems that not only do people not ask themselves these questions, but that they put more thought and planning into choosing their next holiday than they do examining their motives for setting up home with someone new. Again, if it is just between two consenting adults it is one thing (although even that can be risky if one of them is unstable) but plunging into a new domestic arrangement with children in the scenario (no matter what their age) can potentially create a tsunami of problems which will have a ripple effect on their lives forever. Of course, this is not to say that the concept of a blended family cannot work (there are many who have made it work very well), but my point is that it needs to be done carefully with utmost consideration towards the children. After all, they probably had no say in the matter and the choice to have this new man or woman thrust into their lives (and home) was not theirs; it was simply foisted on them.

Some resolve this issue by keeping separate households so that the respective families can retain their autonomy and privacy. In fact, there is a lot to be said for this arrangement because it removes a lot of the imposition of the new person onto the children until they are comfortable with their presence. That way, the moving in together bit can be taken more gradually. No matter how it is done, however, there is a lot to be said for taking it slowly, in small steps, without any rush or spur of the moment dramatic decisions. If the person who wants to move in is a “keeper’ they will understand and respect your wishes, but if they keep insisting, maybe that’s one clue that you should apply the brakes.

Ultimately, before you share your most intimate space with a new person, especially if you have children, just be sure that you listen to your gut. If something seems “off” then it’s better to err on the side of caution…rather then end up as tomorrow’s headline.