This article first appeared in the Sunday edition of Malta Today 

Seeing that everyone who breaks the law eventually gets an amnesty in this country, I have been thinking that there should be some kind of Supreme Court where I can open a lawsuit to claim discrimination because I feel that it’s about time this practice is fairly distributed among everyone. I am basing my argument, Your Honour, on the following precedents:

Exhibit A Are you self-employed and have never bothered to pay your VAT? No need to fret. Sooner or later a government will come along, snap its fingers and presto…you will be told to run along, all is forgiven. This is what happened in 2011 when we were told that “a temporary VAT amnesty scheme is being launched with the aim of incentivising VAT registered taxpayers to regularise their position with the VAT Department in relation to any VAT arrears.”
I particularly like the use of that word “incentivise”…a subtle form of encouragement if you will, coaxing VAT defaulters to come on board, and get with the program. Come forward and you will be given a slap on the wrist and sent home, rather than submitting your VAT when its due, like everyone else.

Exhibit B Have you neglected to pay your tax or declare you assets like us mere mortals? Never fear, according to my research, there was a tax amnesty n 2002, with subsequent amnesties in 2003, 2005, 2007 and 2014. If you are particularly daring you can even hide millions in some Swiss bank account and avail yourself of an amnesty decades down the line after “regularizing” your position. (As an aside, don’t you just love that word, “regularize”? It sounds so much better than “finally doing things correctly instead of breaking the law”).

Exhibit C Do you reside in a charming little “boat house” over the summer months at one of Malta’s most sought after bays which just happens to have been built illegally? Come, come, no need to get all upset. Did you actually think any government would ever evict you, or (banish the thought) actually go so far as to tear down the illegal structure? Oh, you silly billy. Just think back to all the amnesties and sanctions year after inevitable year by successive governments, which not only never lifted a finger about the shantytowns which have encroached upon more and more public land since the 60s, but which have also made electoral promises to those residing there.

According to a report on this issue in the Times of Malta, “Before every election since 1992 the strong Armier boathouse lobby reached secret agreements with the two major political parties that would allow the large community to continue enjoying the fruits of their illegalities.”
The boathouses have recently been given smart metres, connecting them to the electricity grid. You know, because it’s OK to steal public land, but stealing electricity is just plain wrong. (Which reminds me weren’t those who stole electricity by tampering with the metres in the huge Enemalta scandal also offered an amnesty?)

And now, for my final piece of evidence, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I present the latest amnesty.

Exhibit D A new scheme to regularise illegally constructed buildings has been launched, which unlike previous regularisation legal notices in 2012 and 2013, will not merely offer concessions, but rather, full planning permits.
Parliamentary Secretary for Planning Deborah Schembri was quoted as saying: “This is a one-time opportunity for property owners to regularise their positions, after which enforcement will become stricter,” she pledged. “From now on, action will be taken against people who break planning laws.”
Now, I realise that the “regularization” (that word again) applies to so-called minor infringements such as the size of an internal or backyard, but surely if something has been done which is in breach of the law no matter how small, it is still illegal? How will we ever learn to do things by the book with this kind of attitude?

The message here is that once again, who cares about the rules, because an amnesty is coming soon, to a press conference near you.

So, now that I have presented what I think is a very strong case, may I submit Your Honour, that I should be given a blanket amnesty to be used at my discretion for the rest of my natural life to do whatever I want to do, without any fear of consequences.

• I want to take food from a supermarket and not have to pay for it.
• I want to steal petrol from a petrol pump to my heart’s content.
• Of course, I should be entitled to park wherever I please, on yellow lines, in front of a garage and in those blue parking spaces in Valletta.
• Just for the heck of it, I might want to thump a few people who are really being obnoxious and getting on my last nerve, without having to worry that I will be charged with assault.

As you can see my list of requests is very modest, only very minor infringements in fact, so in actual fact they don’t really count do they? I mean, it’s not like I’m stealing a flashy new sports car. Or deciding that I should travel for free for life with Air Malta, because, well… just because. Or seeing a nice, new property which I have taken a fancy to, and just moving in because, Your Honour, it was just sitting there, empty.

Now those would really be wrong wouldn’t they? Except, well, technically speaking, please define “wrong” because it seems to be a very loose term and I figure if one thing is allowed and “regularized” then logic tells me that we do not need any rule of law and everyone should be allowed to do as they please. Anarchy would then set in, everyone will be pleased as punch and heck you won’t even need amnesties any more because it will have become a jungle by then anyway while bullies and lawbreakers will rule.

Oh, wait.