Toxic, trauma and narcissist …enough of these buzzwords please

This article first appeared in Malta Today

For a long time I have noticed a trend which is now verging on the ridiculous: the over-use of certain words which has rendered them almost meaningless.

Take ‘toxic’ – of course, there are definitely evil people in this world, as well as harmful relationships and overly stressful work environments which could be described as such, but when the term is used relentlessly and almost at random then the power of the word becomes diluted.  If someone doesn’t agree with you (or stands up to you) then that person is not toxic, you simply do not get along.  

And yet I see it used over and over again, especially by those who relish playing the victim, believing that the world has done them wrong, woe is me, boo hoo.

I’m also uncomfortable with the terms “toxic masculinity” and “toxic positivity”; the first because it is an exaggeration when you could simply say that the guy is a big jerk.  If it’s sexual harassment or violence, why not just say so, rather than using this glib blanket phrase?  As for the second, there is nothing wrong with being positive and the fact that it has been twisted to mean something negative just shows how much we need more positivity.  If you don’t like someone who is constantly chirpy and cheerful, just don’t hang out with them, move along, unfollow their posts. It’s really not that hard.  Frankly, this determination to clamp down on attitudes which do not tally with ours is become very wearying. 

‘Toxic’ does have a place in our discourse to describe specific behaviour but it should be used sparingly otherwise it will be dismissed as an over-reaction and thus, not worthy of notice.  What I have concluded is that we seem to be losing the ability to not see eye to eye and just leave it at that; instead there have to be labels and accusations and hyperbole. 

This was brought home to me a while ago during a programme by Oprah Winfrey about family estrangement during which she interviewed both parents and adult children who have been estranged for many years The word ‘toxic’ came up so frequently that it became decidedly irritating. If one sets aside a few of the really genuine cases where the estrangement was understandable (and probably healthier), what I saw were adult children who were stamping their feet because they did not get their own way about something, or else who did not agree with their parents’ viewpoint.  In the cases where the parents had cut off the children it was mostly due to perceived or real hurts, or because they disapproved of the way the children were living their lives.   

In the two scenarios, it seemed to me that both sides were more intent on being right than having a relationship which is a pity in a cold, uncaring world where we need our families more than ever. It is also worrying that there are therapists who advocate ‘cutting off’ family members as a solution to disagreement rather than encouraging ways to find mutual understanding and common ground.  Cutting everyone off means lonely birthdays and dreading the festive season because instead of bringing joy it becomes a stark reminder that you cannot even organise a family lunch because you have no more family to speak of.  That sounds like a grim, bleak future to me. 

During this programme, that over-used word ‘trauma’ also featured greatly.  It’s unfathomable to me how many people have experienced childhood trauma – everywhere you look this is another phrase which is used ad nauseam. This is not to deny that some have lived through real traumatic events – of course they have, but I also feel that it is bandied about so liberally that even a well-deserved scolding or discipline by a parent is now described as ‘traumatic’.  If you ask me we need to get back to some good old-fashioned discipline if we want to prevent more incidents like the recent one in the news, where a gang of young teenagers badly beat up a boy in his own garage to steal his scooter, leaving him with a fractured eye socket, a fractured nose and other injuries. They also filmed the beating and shared it between them on a group chat.   What these bullies did to that poor boy, now that is real trauma.

‘Toxic’ and ‘trauma’ are potent words but by mis-using them it is leading to what is called “semantic bleaching” where the word loses its original, severe meaning.  It is also a lazy way out when it comes to dealing with one’s issues because rather than striving to be more tolerant and accepting of different opinions, we simply slap a derogatory label on others and shut the door. 

Which brings me to ‘narcissist’, a word which is very popular among many women when describing their ex-boyfriend, partner or husband. Are there narcissists among us? Obviously yes, and there are countless podcasts by renowned experts such as Dr Ramani, a clinical psychologist who has made it her life’s work to extensively deal with this topic and how to recognise the signs. But despite her expertise, even she is cautious about the label, and cautions listeners not to use the word lightly because – as it happens – everyone probably has a few narcissistic traits.  In fact she often prefers using Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I always find it fascinating when someone immediately starts describing their ex as narcissistic only to find, when digging a bit deeper, that the person is completely oblivious to the fact that they are actually describing themselves.  It is a complex term which encompasses a number of different aspects of a personality and yet it is often used as a throwaway insult when a relationship ends badly (which so many often do).   I suppose it is easier to shift the blame on the other party for the reason it didn’t work out, rather than accept the fact that in most cases both sides have to bear responsibility for the break-up. 

The reason over-using these three words is not helpful is because, ultimately, it means we are not working on ourselves.  If you are truly in a toxic situation, the answer is to get out of it, fast. If you have endured trauma you need to go to therapy but also to learn to let go and move on rather than picking on the scab and remaining stuck forever. And if you are dealing with a narcissist it means you need to set boundaries and stop being sucked in by their demands.  Labels, words and phrases can only do so much – but in the end you have to take action to prevent yourself from repeating words on a loop and never really solving anything.