This article first appeared in Malta Today

I love reading people’s life stories, because I learn something every day which makes me stop and think.

This week I came across the following by a lady who is now happily and comfortably retired:

“My childhood was defined by being poor. My dad died at 24, leaving my mum with 3 children under 5 and we literally scraped by week to week, with my mum constantly writing down her sums: rent, food, 6 pences in the slot tv etc, the proverbial hiding behind the sofa when the rent man called. I always knew that life wasn’t for me. I was fortunate to have a great career in the hotel industry, travelling extensively and living an expat life for 30 years. All of my working life I defined myself as wealthy. Why? Because I have never needed to worry about making ends meet until payday… I still feel wealthy. I’m not rich, I live modestly within my means, but I never have to look at my bank balance to ensure I can make it to the end of the month without borrowing and that to me is epic!”

This definition of wealthy really struck a chord because it is perfect in its simplicity. Everything in life is relative, so when you have known what it is like to be dirt poor like the woman above, the fact that you can pay all your bills without having to worry and stress about whether you have them all easily covered is, in fact, wealth. After all, what is wealth if not peace of mind?

And yet, I also know people who have been raised in the same or even better circumstances than this lady, but who have gone through life obsessed with accumulating more and more riches and assets because they want to distance themselves as much as possible from their background when the lack of money loomed large in their psyche. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the significance of being financially sound, in fact I firmly believe it is crucial, especially for women, to have a nest egg. Having enough money is undeniably a form of reassurance; an ever present security blanket and a safety net if, or when, things go wrong.

However, there does come a point when I look at the 1% of this world, and I wonder what the whole point is. My constant question is, when will it ever be enough? Is there a cut-off point or is the pursuit of money not a means to an end, but simply an end in itself, just to experience the indescribable thrill of seeing the zeroes adding up in the bank? How many homes, cars, diamonds, designer clothes, stocks, shares, investments and – in extreme cases – rockets, does one person need to feel they have ‘made it’?

Again and again, when reading life stories, it inevitably goes back to childhood. The generation which lived through the deprivation of WWII have it etched in their brain that food is not to be wasted, that spending frivolously is frowned upon, and that you do not need 20 pairs of shoes, when two pairs will do.

The attitude of our parents towards money is also a very clear marker on what our own attitude will be. If we are raised in a household where there is money but the mindset is that of frugality, money becomes the elephant in the room. It’s there but one or both of the parents act like they do not have it. They live their lives as if the proverbial debt collector will come knocking on their door any second. It can, and often is, a miserable miserly upbringing where every penny is pinched even though there are more than enough pennies to go around. This warped relationship with money often goes one of two ways: the children can grow up to be misers themselves, or they can swing to the other side of the pendulum and become insatiable shopaholics, spending with a frenzy like there is no tomorrow, perhaps even getting into debt. Neither of these two extreme approaches is healthy, but if the person as an adult gains enough introspection, they can manage to find a middle ground.

Money which, throughout a child’s life, has been used as a weapon, reward, bribery, blackmail, coercion or control is also rife with potential problems. It is easy to understand why and yet it continues to happen: parents who threaten to cut children out of their will “unless you take care of me”, or who dangle the money like a carrot in a constant game of emotional manipulation and conditional love, withdrawing their affection when they do not get their way. The phrase “there are always strings attached” was invented for such scenarios when sadly, nothing is done altruistically but is always transactional, which always ends up tainting family dynamics. Suspicion, allegations, accusations raise their ugly head especially when a person cannot fathom why one would do something just because it is the right thing to do, without expecting anything in return.

I’m reminded of the TV series Succession where the patriarch ruled the family and the business with an iron fist, as his screwed up children scrambled to be next in line to take over the company, ruthlessly stepping over each other in the process. They competed constantly to be in his good books, each desperately wanting to be the anointed one, and yet it was so clear that what they were actually competing was for his love – and he was as stingy with that as he was with his money.

Money is the root of all evil is not just a saying from the Bible; I believe it is one of the truest phrases to ever have been coined. As it turns out, however, it is a misquote because what it actually says is: “For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.” In other words, the problem isn’t money itself, but the unhealthy attachment and desire for it. 

The complete opposite of a tight-fisted parent of course is the over-indulgent one. How can a youngster develop a mature understanding of what it means to earn money and work hard for what you want, if they are handed everything on a silver platter? Without the knowledge and life skills on how to handle finances and take rational decisions based on sensible advice, you end up with what they call the third-generation curse. Based on actual statistics, this is a phenomenon where the hard-earned fortune of the first generation (who are often the frugal type), often fails to survive beyond the third generation, who have been born into money without having worked for it. In brief, wealth that has taken decades to accumulate can be squandered within a few years if not properly managed, which is the understandable fear of the first generation.

It’s not just about the money per se though; without any appreciation of the value of money, we may easily have generations of millennials and Gen Z who know they do not even have to try to get an education, qualifications or work their way up the ladder in their chosen profession. If they are so inclined, they can just kick back, coast through life, and wait for their inheritance to come through. No ambition and no aspirations, just keeping their eye on the “prize”, one they did not have to lift a finger to earn.

Yet, if that happens, it will be precisely this which will be their downfall, because if you have no real purpose when you wake up in the morning, no amount of money will fill the hole of a meaningless existence.